I was thinking today that maybe I could start writing a book; since I seem to lose interest in writing a book because I don't see quick results I could use my journal to record it bit by bit. What I could do is write it out in bits as i get interested in it and just keep it in here until I think I am finally done to put it all together and edit it.
I've begun to write about 3 books but I lose interest after awhile and I would just put my work to the side after a few chapters. Well, what I could do is write out the chapters in here so that when I lose interest I'll just continue to write in the journal and then when I gain interest again I'll start writing a few more chapters and so on and so on.
Once I get home I'll start doing the same on my laptop and then after I get a few more chapters I'll get all those together with what I got here and my other 3 books and see if I could piece it all together to make one or 2 books for publishing.
Yesterday I received a letter from the Legal Aid Society informing me that they were being assigned by the Court to represent me in my Criminal Appeal; I hope and pray that these people do their jobs correct and I win my appeal because I want to finally clean up my record. I figure if i win this appeal I could then get a Certificate of relief because its been almost 3 years since my last crime. Also, if I win my appeal then I can probably sue NYC and win at least $100,000 for my time in prison; I want to use the money to hopefully buy a house/condo for me, my daughter and my girl. i want my family to live comfortably; I want Destany to have a childhood better then mines.
Sometimes I think about my cat, Mitsu; I hope she's okay. It's fucked up how a cat who can't fend for herself can give a person her all and yet we do things like what got me in jail and as a result they now have no one to feed her etc. i wonder if she's missing me too? It's probably hard for pets to get used to being without the attention they were raised with getting.
I think alot about Destany and I wish I could be there to watch her growing up. i should be there with her, protecting her, feeding her, holding her etc. I shouldn't be in jail because she needs me. destany needs her father.
I remember when Madelyn first found out she was pregnant. Madelyn had doubts about keeping the baby; she thought we weren't ready. She was afraid that she couldn't do anything for the baby because she didn't have a job. She was afraid that i would try to take away the baby from her. I assured her that I wouldn't. I pleaded with her to keep the baby.
I begged Madelyn to keep the baby; our first baby. I told her not to worry. I told her to keep the baby because I would work to support all of us. I told her that I would never leave her as long as she didn't leave me.
By February she was still talking about getting an abortion and would still drink but I have a feeling that she had already decided to keep the baby because I never saw her taking any serious steps to get the abortion. Then she officially told me she would keep the baby; I was so happy. I would sit in the car when I was alone and picture how it would be.
Yes, I would picture it in the car because Madelyn was beginning to push me away. I didn't really understand why but Madelyn was beginning to lose interest in me; she didn't like to hug me or kiss me anymore and so I began to stay out later and later. I would work more and more and even when I was finished working I wouldn't want to go home because I didn't like how it would make me feel to be pushed away by the woman I loved.
I used to ask Madelyn why she used to do it but all she would say is that it was how she's always been or that it was the pregnancy. I just couldn't understand it but I began thinking that maybe it was because she was playing me dirty.
In February I got arrested for having a knife I used to use at work. I bailed out and after that it seemed like my girl didn't want to leave my side. I loved the feeling!
Whereas before I couldn't get her to go anywhere with me, she would now go everywhere with me. I loved seeing the love in her eyes again. the way she would go everywhere with me.
In February of 2007 I was arrested and from that moment on I was driven with the fear of my family's insecurity to try to work and save up all my money to help provide for my family if I get locked up. I took out life insurance plans, and tried to save up money in the bank, hoping that I could make enough so that my girl and daughter would be okay while I was gone. Unfortunately, I misplanned and now they are in financial trouble.
My greatest error was my failure to account for Madelyn's inability and/or lack of desire to find employment. My plan would have worked if she would have found a job within one month after giving birth and yet she didn't even try.
Everytime that I asked her to find a job she would almost always try to use the excuse of how she had just gave birth but that is not good enough because you have alot of mother's who go to work after giving birth. There were a few times where I begged and pleaded with her to go job searching and she said she did, but, though I believe she did go, I don't believe she was really motivated to find a job because she used to go with the baby and her mom. I told her that the best way to do it was to go by herself. Also, i couldn't help but remember how I used to have to beg her to go to stores to look for a job when I was home.
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